Good New, Bad News

The good news is that I am doing what is good for me or at least feels good. It feels as if I am doing what God created me to do, what feels proper and appropriate in my deepest self, the deepest desire of my heart.

I’m trying to get closer to God, I’m doing this by reading the Daily Office Scriptures in the most original languages we have. I have good Greek and not so good Hebrew, but this is improving both of them. I am reading the Hebrew in pages with both the Hebrew and the English. I plan to do some detail work parsing the Hebrew grammar to improve my understanding.

I am not doing this during the Offices but later, so as to keep prayer and study separate. I will also continue to pray in all my other usual ways. I am awed the the rightness of this. I feel more like myself, and that’s good thing. I haven’t often felt that,

I hope to reap benefits not only for myself but for others. I want to find ways of writing about what I discover. In seeking God I am seeking Wisdom, and in seeking Wisdom I am seeking God. It is not for me alone, but for sharing, for gifts for others.

The bad news is that I don’t have enough income to meet my expenses. I am living on meager Social Security and Food Stamps. I only once had a well-paying job and that was in stock that died and I sold. My best earning years were spent in a monastery, and coming out from there in late middle age did not make for any successful career or income.

I have been looking for some part time work. I did physical labor for a while in a grocery store, but my arthritis grew on me until I could not bear it. I tried hard. I am in poor condition. I tend to sleep a long time. I think I have Chronic Fatigue Syndrome. At age 44 I had mononucleosis. I bounced back far too soon. A few days and I was back into full monastic discipline. The Guestmaster, whose assistant I was, scolded me angrily for leaving him with all the work. I was sick for Holy week.

I am looking for office work; I have lots of experience there. I have sent out resumes but have received no replies. I am discouraged but I do keep trying. Ramping that up will be part of my Lenten work. At age soon 74 it is hard to find work.

And in the back my mind and I cannot quell it, is that, selfishly, part time work would hinder my search for God/Wisdom.

I guess prayers for me are in order.

Leave a Reply