petard.us

A work in progress-check back every so often 

I think much of my current depression stems from losses to myself and to others, even to God. That’s almost a truism.

What are these losses

• churchgoing-
• priesthood and ministry

• ministry I was called to not being done because of my isolation
• a loss to the fulfillment of the kingdom of which I am part, part of the Body of Christ in the world
• doing spiritual direction, which always produced growth in me

• creation thelogy-
• not only no contact but no giving of love or receiving of it, when I know my need to give love is greater than my need to receive it.
• It stunts my growth, and that stunting is not only a loss to me but to others, and a loss to God

totally isolated from:

• anti-nuke work
• civil rights
• anti vietnam
• anti contra
• all the social work
• just involvement in social issues
• now no way I can go demonstrate

And all the travel time, four hours a day
a gain, reading time
but a loss, I get constipated from lack of rest rooms on the way
sometimes by the time I get to the office or home, i am about to wet my pants

Grieving for these is not only appropriate, but also necessary

But out of lamentation for my captivity and exile in Egypt ought to come action for liberation.
I’m just not sure how to do this.

Some of the people I pray for as they drive by, I also lust after. Just vaguely, you know, ooh a cutie, or whatever. I like this vague lusting after; it reminds me that I’m alive, that I’m human, that I’m a sexual person, just as God created me to be. That I’m an actual human being, an animal, and neither a machine nor an angel.

Being either a machine or an animal is about perfection. A machine ought to be mechanically perfect, functionally perfect, do it all right, do it the right way every time. An angel is morally and spiritually perfect. To be an angel when one is a human, one has to lie, put forward a front of utter perfection. That’s also true that if one is pretending to be a machine. If you’re not a machine, you can make mistakes. If you’re not an angel, you can be a sinner, but you can be a forgiven one. That may be why we are ‘higher than angels.’ If we have the ability to sin, we have the ability to turn back to God, to repent, and then amend our ways as best we can. This does not mean that we so perfect our lives as to be either machines or angels. We can be just ourselves. ‘Just as I am without one plea….’

Note: Management in business and wherever it has spread seems to be based on learnings from managing machines, so it’s effort is to have us be machines, and not persons, in the work place. Note the old term, factory ‘hands.’