About a month ago I requested prayers for my health, then later reported it was only the flu.
Now I want to ask for similar prayers for depression and anxiety, and for perseverance in dealing with them.
The week after the flu I was sick again, with fatigues and dizziness, and was off work again for a number of days. In looking at this, I realized I was probably having an anxiety attack. I went to the doctor and was prescribed some Xanax. I found that this really knocked me out; I slept for 13+ hours a few times. Since then I have taken half the dose, and not in the evening. My sleep cycle is pretty much back to normal.
I realized then that I had been on a very slow downward slope for a long time, and that the illness and loss of income had been the trigger for anxiety and a deeper depression. I also realized I had missed some anxiety attacks in the past because they took the form of physical ailments.
What I noticed was that I had slowly dropped a lot of stuff that was helping keep me saner. I had lately been reading only easy-reading mysteries. I was no longer reading history or biography or computer books, so my innate curiosity had been repressed. I also realized that on the computer I was only drifting around amusing myself, when before I had been learning new things and studying the functions of my operating system and so forth and learning programs in greater depth or learning new ones.
I also noticed that while I was more or less keeping up with my diabetic diet needs, I wasn’t really doing a lot of cooking or providing much variety in my diet.
Clearly I had to deal with these and I am doing so. I ask your prayers for my perseverance in this.
I have also gotten myself into treatment at the local public mental health clinic. I will be getting into a group and seeing a doctor. This last is probably very important; I have been taking Paxil without psychiatric supervision for a few years now.
While the Xanax is dealing with the anxiety, I have a lot to be anxious about. Because of missing work, I have been unable to pay my gas bill, and though the gas is still on, it could go at any time. I also will not be able to pay my rent which is due Sunday. I have tried local agencies that help with these things. They cannot give me enough to make it, and their giving the amount they will give requires proof that I have the rest of the money to pay the full bills. I don’t.
There is has also been some anxiety about my job. I am sick a lot and off work. But also some tasks that I had were taken by another person and nothing added. I was feeling worthless to the company. Now some tasks have been added back, and more are on the horizon. That will probably help some; it seems to be doing that anyway.
I am full of fear of poverty for the rest of my life. If I am unable to work, I can get Social Security, but not enough to live on, and no medical coverage. I will get more if I wait to retire. But I fear ill-health and being unable to work. And I will never have a good income from Social Security. I have never worked a well-paid job; I have mostly done human services in the broadest sense. Many of what should have been high-earning years were spent in a monastery where the minimum Social Security was paid. This makes me feel really hopeless.
An update on Oliver: He is just the same, just skin and bones, seems tired and weak. He was prescribed a steroid; I have no way to tell it has help except that he is on a health plateau, it looks like. He has been taking it for a year now, and the vet will not approve a refill until they see him in the office. Needless to say, I can afford that.
Pray for me and my situation.