petard.us

This morning at Adult Ed our Rector asked us who were the saints in our lives. Everyone, except me, talked about family members. Mine were clergy. And once again I felt deep envy of people who had a happy family, who had parents and grandparents and siblings to look up to. I don’t. I just rejected them as a child. My doing, if in self defense, and not my fault really. But in another way, it was my fault. I was born. My poor mother.

This was today’s Gospel. The priest asked who in the story we identified and a wiseacre called out, “The fatted calf.” Great laughter. But I started to think was the calf’s role was. His role was to be a festive dinner to celebrate the return of the prodigal.For this he was born, for this he was fatted, for this he lived and died, to celebrate forgiveness and restoral to the family for the prodigal.

Then it hit me. The real fatted calf was the one who make forgiveness and restoral possible. The Lamb of God who living and dying effected the forgiveness and restoral portrayed. Soon we would chow down on our fatted calf, our Lamb of God, and once again be forgiven and restored.

Thinking of Fred Phelps and his clan this morning at Morning Prayer:
Psalm 52
You tyrant, why do you boast of wickedness *
against the godly all day long?
You plot ruin;
your tongue is like a sharpened razor, *

Isaiah 1:21-31 (NRSV) Morning Prayer 12-4-12

How the faithful city
 has become a whore!

This lesson spoke to me quite strongly of our current situation, especially our economy.
 She that was full of justice,
 righteousness lodged in her—
 They do not defend the orphan,
 and the widow’s cause does not come before them.

The disparities in income and wealth are egregious and well documented. The Occupy movement has underlines them so well that we cannot avoid reading them. Widow’s and orphans and we poor in general do not come before the institution of the rich; we are not taken into consideration. The primary consideration is the increase of income. It is incumbent on industries and corporations to generate income for the owners, that is, the stockholders. Indeed it is the corporations’ fiduciary responsibility in law to do so. many, if not most, of us are dependent on that increase. Many own stock, many have retirement accounts, many have college funds for their children. Our institutions are dependent, if they have endowments. Our churches depends on them. Where would be be without them? The problem is structural; it is deeply entwined around all that we do as a people. So well might Isaiah say, as he did of his own people:

She that was full of justice,
 righteousness lodged in her—
 but now murderers!
 Your silver has become dross,
 your wine is mixed with water.
 Your princes are rebels
 and companions of thieves.
 Everyone loves a bribe
 and runs after gifts.

Advent is an advantageous time to consider this. We look forward, as Isaiah did, to a world of righteousness, where all have what they need, fruitful and abundant life, true life, deep life, Godly life, the life God intended for us. But it has gone wrong. Just look around. Look at our lives, look at the lives of those we love, the lives of our neighbors. God created the world to be a certain way; what we have is not it. God gave us guided to how to live in the Godly way. There are the Ten Commandments, or better Words, counsel from God. And many other words of counsel on how to be as God would have us be. I suspect that is the nature of Torah, a deep description of how God meant life to be. The prophets wrote of punishment for violating the law. But I don’t see a wrathful God hurling thunderbolts, plagues, floods, droughts, and famines. At least not out of personal wrath. God made the world to be a certain way, to work this way and not that. This has consequences, as putting your hand in a flame burns. It’s just the way things are. This is the God whose ways we discern though science, through our best understanding of the Way Things Seem To Be. This is the God of the Wisdom literature. This might even be the God of Torah as Tao.and this is the God of the prophets’ understand of the world such as we read in today’s reading from Isaiah.

First the wrath, the pain, the punishment, the Threat:
Therefore says the Sovereign, the LORD of hosts, the Mighty One of Israel:
 Ah, I will pour out my wrath on my enemies,
 and avenge myself on my foes!
 I will turn my hand against you;
 I will smelt away your dross as with lye
 and remove all your alloy.
 And I will restore your judges as at the first,
 and your counselors as at the beginning.

And then, ah, then, afterwards, the reward, the Promise if we turn again to the Torah, the Tao:
 Afterward you shall be called the city of righteousness,
 the faithful city.
Zion shall be redeemed by justice,
 and those in her who repent, by righteousness.

Do note that this is a Process, this turning back to God and as always there are consequences.
 But rebels and sinners shall be destroyed together,
 and those who forsake the LORD shall be consumed.
 For you shall be ashamed of the oaks
 in which you delighted;
 and you shall blush for the gardens
 that you have chosen.
 For you shall be like an oak
 whose leaf withers,
 and like a garden without water.
 The strong shall become like tinder,
 and their work like a spark;
 they and their work shall burn together,
 with no one to quench them.

Think about these things. Advent is the advantageous time for that.

I was very depressed yesterday. I wanted to stay in bed. I pulled the covers over my head. But I got up and made sure the the $50 I need was sent on its way to me. Here’s hoping that it makes it in time before the penalty hits. But the depression. What was going on? Two bad thoughts were besieging me. One, I was not worth the trouble people were taking to help me. Good money thrown after bad.That has its origins in earliest childhood. It must just be resisted; I am worth the trouble. One work against it would be to do useful things, yes, this blog, but also study of scripture and its language. And also, I wish I could volunteer in some really useful way. I have some dreams/ideas for that. The reason I haven’t done it is that I have to believe that if I get a job, I would have to abandon people who need and trust me. So the job is to speak against the evil thoughts. And to think how I might volunteer. If only I had just enough to live on. Another working against it to to keep applying for jobs and advertising for roommates.

The other is a question. I have sent out numerous resumes and cover letters. I have gone to stores looking for work. I have advertised for a roommate in Craigslist. Why does nothing work? Am I somehow self-sabotaging? Is my self-presentation at fault? I know that I have a poor self image in a lot of ways. The good things in my image of myself are not easily monetized. I know I don’t know how to fake it. I do know that once I get to the interview stage, I am more comfortable and do better. I’m good at coming in second for a position. I have no idea how to look at this and try to change. But at least it has my attention. And to keep applying for jobs and advertising for roommates is working against this one as well.

The sad cycle has caught up with me. I am $50 short of the amount of rent I need to be able to pay to get help from the local church community ministry. I guess I have to try to hit someone up for it and talk to the Ministry. If I don’t make it, I will have to pay late, at $100 extra. My car insurance will hit before my social security, so that will be a $35 fee. I will ask my DSL people to hold off til I get the social security so I don’t incur yet another $35 fee. The car insurance people are intractable. Then once I have the social security I will have to pay utility bills. then I wont have enough for rent.

And so the cycle goes.

My hope is to find a roommate situation. I will be calling some who have advertised on Craigslist tomorrow. This situation will give me disposable income. And if I move I can set up something different for Internet access. Maybe cable and a cell phone. Probably depends on my credit, which is not good, let me tell you. And I would be defaulting on my lease.

Coming Attractions:

The positive side of the Monastic Theme Park

What I would like to do had I the income to live on, -ie, non-monetizible skills

Newspaper Reading as a life of prayer

Am I a Hermit or What

Stay tuned.

Then:
So I entered a religious order. Eventually I vowed poverty. But I was richer than I had ever been. Piled up and overflowing. I had not anticipated going out with a brother to buy a new stereo setup for the Guesthouse common room. I certainly never anticipated going out and buying two new cars and paying cash. The serving table in the refectory was Tudor; it was an old monastery refectory table preserved for a new monastery arising in the Church of England. There were old vestments of the age and of better quality than the Coronation vestment is the Tower of London. There were vestments galore, and gold and jeweled chalices and other vessels. And I had everything I needed and much of what I wanted. Books and learning galore. And not just theology but mysteries, though no sci-fi to speak of. And on a variety of subjects that joiners had brought with them. And music to listen to. We lived and worshiped in an architectural gem. It was the architect’s dream, the perfect Burgundian church of 1150. The glass was the maker’s attempt to reproduce the colors of Chartres. We chanted plainsong gorgeously. People came to hear us. Our liturgies were perfect; crowds came to the special liturgies. Eventually what I saw was a monastic theme park.

Now:
I am a neer do well I guess. When I talked about leaving, T said I would wind up homeless. I’m approaching that. And B, an older man.  asked how I would live when I could no longer work. On Social Security and Food Stamps, I don’t have enough to live on. I see things I can’t have, like the garlic press at the grocery store; I use a lot of garlic. I can’t afford to take my cats to the vet; Warren is old and needs checking on, but . . . I overspend my food stamps to make sure I have fresh fruit and vegetables, which as a diabetic I need. There are places I want to go, people I would like to associate with, but gasoline is expensive. My social life is very limited by this. I have a small apartment but it is too expensive. I think I need to find a roommate situation and default on my lease. I dunno what I will have to give up for that. I do have a lot of books and things, and a full range of kitchen implements. And then there are the cats; they are my family.

I guess my problem is that we called this poverty. And when I commented on this, the answer was that we were limited. We had to ask permission to buy things that we needed. But still, I was wallowing in luxury. At least from my point of view.

I gradually came to see asking permissions as infantilizing. We talked about making changes, but could never walk away from privilege. Once one of the brothers described our relationships as being like a cotillion. WTF! I had no idea what that meant. And once when we were having some financial problems in a small house, I suggested that we might look at it in terms of our voaction to poverty. A senior brother was instantly enraged.

This may have been where the problem lay. The others came from more privilege then I. Their expectations of life were much greater; perhaps they did feel impoverished.  certainly didn’t. Our cook once remarked that if we ever ran out of money, we could just collect the silver spoons from each of our cells.

I guess it was part of the Society’s vocation to be of a certain class, one I did not belong to by right. after some years, I saw that, though I didn’t think in terms of class until I reflected on it later. It was all angst and rejection between myself and other brothers. When I tried to talk about it, I was rejected. One brother, who was in charge of the house I was in, told me he never wanted to hear another prophetic word from me. Later, when I talked to a priest who knew the community, I said it was a class conflict and he said, “I can believe that.”

Am I learning anything from this? Is it like fasting, which never did a thing for me, symbol without substance, a simulacrum.

Do I have a vocation to poverty? What would it be like to make a positive of all this?
It might involve living with the poor rather than where I do. To be homeless among the homeless?

That really scares me.

For days now, when I saw my face in the mirror first thing in the morning, I thought it needed makeup. Where was this coming from? Then the other day I realized that not only do I look like my mother, but like my mother in her declining days, no makeup and uncombed hair. Oh well, I guess I don’t need makeup. But I feel sad for her the way she was in her decline. I’m not in decline, she was.

I was alone as usual. I cooked myself a nice dinner. I had added up my thanks a day or so before. And yes, I was a little bored. I have never really liked Thanksgiving. I don’t much like turkey anyway. The dry white meat requires savage lashings of filling and gravy to make it edible. The overcooked vegetables were the epitome of boredom.

And it was all family all the time. Now that’s boredom. They never “got” me. I couldn’t talk about much, and when I had a point of view they disagreed with, I was told I was being stupid. And they weren’t interested in anything. So I didn’t talk. At home I could always eat and get away and do something. But in my teens my folks took to having Thanksgiving dinner with friends at their place. All football, no escape.

So being alone on Thanksgiving is not so bad.